Darkest Before Dawn
My name is Katherine. I thank God for His grace, mercy, and unfailing love when my husband passed away suddenly in June of 2022. I was completely thrown off balance as this happened suddenly - just three hours prior, we were still praying with him in the hospital for a full recovery.
I felt like a child abandoned by parent who left, taking the other child with Him. I asked the Lord what my husband did right that qualified him to go home, and why I missed out that I did not qualify to go home. Why did God leave me behind to go through the pain and shame of being a widow? In the Chinese Culture, I was also considered a bad omen that caused my husband's demise.
I couldn't make sense of the riot of emotions and nothing I had learned about God made any sense either.
I couldn't make sense of the riot of emotions and nothing I had learned about God made any sense either. This was too cruel for me; it was utterly unfair! Because losing a spouse is such a painful and traumatic experience. My husband and I agreed that we should go home together when the time came, when the children had grown up. "Lord," I asked, "What disqualified me?"
Everything that well-meaning people said to me did not make any sense - especially when they told me, "He's in a better place." Sorry, but this was exactly what I was struggling with - my husband is in better place while I was suffering here!
I tried going away for months to recuperate; I buried myself in my work, to no avail I was still broken and bruised inside. I just wanted to get away from the pain.
The whirlwind and tempest calmed when I daily sat in the presence of the Lord for hours on end. He didn't say anything, He was just there. I too didn't say anything for I knew He knows everything and He was in my pain, my shame, my sense of abandonment.
In that stillness, within the silence, He was healing me, bandaging my deepest wound with the balm of His love, grace and mercy.
Last April, while I visited my daughter's family in Sweden, I thought God has finally relented and was granting my wish to go home to Him. I waited each night after my devotion time with God.
"I am not taking you home, you will go back to Malaysia. You will not die here - I have work for you."
One night, Lord spoke clearly to me, "I am not taking you home, you will go back to Malaysia. You will not die here - I have work for you." I felt a sense of strength and purpose flowing back into my body. I slept that night free of the recurrent dreams of loved one who had already passed on.
Last June, on the anniversary of my husband's passing, we decided to scatter his ashes into the sea. That was closure for me as the Lord continued to lead me to live in the present, and not the past. God had demonstrated to me, over and over, that I could trust Him, even in the darkest moments of my life.
I deeply appreciate my loving family who stood by me as we grieved together. And for my BFFs who journeyed with me through the darkest valleys. I thank our Interim Senior Pastor Petrina Guneratnam and Pastor Lee Peng for being there for me and praying with me, especially Sister Petrina who is also going through her own journey of grief.
